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On love and attachments.





Learning to live without the person whom we loved more than our life is one of the toughest things we humans experience during our life.
Almost every moment of our day we spend in their shadows, enveloped in their love; we don't even realise when they became an extension of our selves. We come to accept them along with their flaws, their peculiarities, which often have the potential to drain us of our patience. Yet, we love them, unconditionally, at times wondering how we survived before they entered our world. Often, we also wonder how we will ever survive after they leave our world.

The human mind is such.  Its ability to give birth to a thought and then mull over it however unpleasant it may be, is quite baffling! We realise we stand to lose our sanity if we don't get rid of that negative thought; we understand how important it is to live in the moment and enjoy it with the loved ones we fear losing someday, yet we keep worrying ourselves to death about what would happen to us if, someday, this person would cease to exist.

And, when that day does arrive, we find ourselves struggling, like a fish fighting to breathe when swept ashore by the cruel waves and left there to die.
The person we depended upon for succour, is no longer around to offer it to us when we need it the most.  We dwell upon those moments when we rushed to them to seek comfort during times of solitude and sadness. And now, as we grapple with those very emotions, we find ourselves all alone, unable to express to our near and dear ones the cause of our depression! We grieve for that one person who could read our mind and offer  their unfailing support without us having to ask for it and look around, trying to find that support in the ones who are around us, but in vain. And, that's when we realise what an important role some people play in our lives. That's when we realise that learning to live without them is now going to be an experience we won't get over any time soon!

These days, the thoughts that crowd my already struggling mind are, is it wise getting emotionally attached to someone knowing fully well that someday they will be spoken about in the past tense, leaving our present in a state of misery?  Someday, we all will have to part ways with our loved ones for a varied reasons; won't we be leaving behind souls deprived of our love, or they ours? Then why can't we teach ourselves to live a life of detachment; learn to be as dispassionate and remote from those around us as our foolish emotional souls allow us to be?  It will be easier to deal with the loss - for them as well as for us - isn't it?

Maybe, these are the immediate aftereffects of the loss I suffered on my baby's demise that cause my mind to come up with such cynical thoughts.  Maybe, someday I will learn to live without him, and look back at our life together with  great fondness, revelling in many a happy memory. But, until that 'someday', I will have to fight this loneliness and depression that haunts me, often taking me by surprise even in the midst of the varied activities I occupy myself with these days.


Learning to live without this person I was so close to for close to thirteen years is going to be one of the toughest experiences of my life. Suffice  it to say, I rue the fact that I wasn't prepared for this battle.


P.S.

Hubby brought home a parrot to fill the void left by Chikoo's passing away, and I am just not able to get myself to bond with this guy.
I keep wondering if I am unable to bond with him because I don't want to bond with him? He won't be taking Chikoo's place, for sure. But, I don't want to give him any place, either. Not in my heart, no.
Am I being cruel?


Comments

  1. How hard grief is, eh, Shilpa? And yet we must pass through it and allow ourselves to express it openly. Must be so empty and lonely without Chikoo. I can understand how you wouldn't want to bond with the parrot, especially this early in your grief journey. And a parrot isn't the same as a dog anyhow. Dogs bond with us more like a human relationship. Chikoo was your son and can't be replaced. Hugs going out to you at this lonely time. Keep writing about your grief. Good therapy and we can all relate, having gone through it, too. Take care, dear friend!

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    1. It is so empty without Chikoo, Cat! Most of the times, I feel his presence so strongly. The earlier routine still beckons me, at times and I 'remember' how I have to prepare his meals, give him his meds.
      True, dogs bond with us just like humans and comparing him with the parrot is a big mistake on my part. It will take time for me to get over it, but I really don't want to get over him, ever!







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  2. Whaattt Chikoo is no more. I am so sorry... I can feel your pain... It's very hard to forget those memories. I lost three of my childhood dogs and till today I feel the pain of losing them. It's unavoidable. Love never ceases, we go on loving them even after they have moved to a different dimension. Take care Shilpa.

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    1. Thank you, Raj!
      Yes, it's very difficult to forget our babies. I know I won't be able to forget him, or ever stop loving him. He was such a darling!

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  3. Hugs, dear! I know how hard it must be for you. Death takes away someone from us and leaves behind a chilling void. After six years of my dad's death I am still grieving. I would say hold back no tear, talk about Chikkoo with your friends, and of course, write. It will help you in some way. Love and hugs, Shilpa.

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    1. Yes, Vinitha, writing is helping me. I don't talk much about him to people, coz not all are going to feel my pain the way only I will! So, I remember all the things about him and write, and entertain myself with some happy moments of the past during the sad times.

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  4. It will be tough to get over the loss of Chikoo. He had a very special place and he will never leave your heart. The parrot is to distract you and remember sharing your love will make it bigger. I have lost 2 dearies of mine and their image is still crystal clear in my mind and the same is true of your Chikoo. Share his love and remember him but don't feel sad. He would never want you to be sad. Remember the good times. Hugs. RIP Chikoo. <3

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    1. Thank you, Indy! Yes, I am trying to share his love and remembering every detail about him, and keeping him alive in my heart. I keep feeling better each day, that he is now in a happy place, but at times, my heart gives up and my eyes well up. A;; part of the process, I guess.

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  5. Hugs, Shilpa, all the way from here. I know this is tough. It breaks your heart into a million pieces each time you think about it and it's terrible. Each person's way of dealing with grief is different and unique so don't let yourself be forced into overcoming that feeling. My dad always says we must fully feel the emotion to allow ourselves to come out of it. I've learnt that the hard way. I'm a very sensitive person, much like you, so I know how tough this must be. As for the parrot, treat it like a friend for now if anything more is too painful for you.

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    1. I am doing just that, Shy. Feeling my grief as wholly as I can. I also alternate those sorrowful moments with some happy ones remembering Chikoo and his antics. And, I am also letting grief take its time. These things do take time, isn't it?
      Yes, I am also trying to be a friend to the parrot, let's see how well I handle this change.
      Thank you so much, my dear! <3

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  6. there is a possibility that you are subconsciously choosing not to bond with the parrot. But take it from someone who has lost so many loved animals over the years and had his heart broken to shreds over their demise... you are capable of so much love. And somewhere, there is a new young Chikoo scared out of his wits in this new world who could use a loving mother like you.

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    1. You are so right, Roshan. Maybe, I have been trying to not bond with the bird, and contemplating staying aloof so as to not hurt myself. But, it really makes not much sense, isn't it? Bonding and sharing love is what human life is all about. I guess, with time I will be in a different state of mind and with some place in my heart for someone else, too!

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  7. I think it's a very human feeling in what you wrote in post script. The passing away of Chikoo provokes such reactions and was reluctant to make new friends when old ones drifted apart. Who know the parrot will be a good friend and listening to your heart. Doesn't harming in pouring your heart and it will listen. Detachment can help us evolve and realized it when some closed people passed away. Take your time to grieve. It is important.

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    1. Yes,Vishal. I am taking my time in getting over it all. Chikoo will always remain in a huge part of my heart, but with time I will learn to make place for others, too!
      Thank you so much!

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  8. Loss is a bitch especially when it is of a furry friend. Who do they have such sorry lives? I completely understand where you are coming from. It won't be easy, Shilpa. The grief is too raw but you will feel better. Give it time. Meanwhile, feel all the grief. Don't suppress it. Cry when you want to. There is no way around the grieving process. Maybe slowly you will begin to start bonding with the parrot. And summertime in the future, get a puppy. Not as Chikoo's replacement but because you are so wonderful with dogs. I am sure another duh will be blessed to have you as a parent. You are in my thoughts. Lots of love and hugs.

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    1. Lots of typos here due to autocorrect. Short not sorry lives. Dog not duh. Summertime is some.

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    2. That's just what I do, Rachna. I cry as much as I want whenever I go through those low moments. I hold onto Chikoo's picture frame and remember all about him. What a good boy he was...good and caring and loving. Really wonder why they have such short lives!
      Thank you so much, sweetie!

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  9. Shilpa, I hear your pain. It must be so damn hard and you know what? Even if you had 'prepared' for it, you wouldn't be prepared. I don't think we are ever prepared for the loss of loved ones. Grief is complex...we all do it our own way. I don't know if the answer is to be detached from others because you know you are going to lose them at some stage. But writing to process the grief is helpful. There will always be a void in your heart left by Chikoo and no one will ever replace that void but in time, you will find space for others. Take care xx

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    1. Oh, yes, it is too difficult, Sanch. I knew that such a time would come someday. But, we are never really prepared for such a loss, are we? The void in my heart is forever going to be there and no one will be able to take his place, ever. But, I might be able to share the love with someone else, some day.

      Thank you so much, my dear!

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